On marriage

Go big or go home – that’s how I see this whole blog thing.

I never wanted my blog to just be a collection of vacation photos or a detailed account of what I did each day down to what I had for dinner. Sometimes I want to just share a funny story. Other times I want to write something more serious and I am hopeful that someone somewhere will relate to what I write. I always try to be honest and real.

But every once in awhile I write something that I later decide not to publish. This was one of those pieces before I resurrected it from the “don’t publish for fear of being taken out of context/upsetting your mom” file.

I decided to post it for the following reasons:
1) I think people can relate
2) I just feel like it, plain and simple. That’s the beauty of this whole blog thing
3) I am in a happy, loving marriage with a man who read this and agreed that no husbands were harmed in the making of this post.

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I’m not sure many people would admit to thinking about how life might have been if things didn’t last with their partners. Think about a time when you fought and how it would have been if you never made up. A moment when you thought it was over and what it would have been like had you let it be.

I believe there are times in a relationship when you or your partner, or both of you, have to make a conscious decision to stick it out or throw in the towel. Have you ever thought about what would have happened if you had chosen differently? Do you ever imagine a different life? Do you ever wonder about where you might have ended up?

I met Scott at 16 and we spent many years apart, working towards a time when we could be together. Maintaining a long distance relationship is one of my greatest accomplishments. I’m really proud of how we did.

But let me tell you, it’s extremely difficult to grow up with someone and not grow apart. I felt myself shaping and I wondered what parts of me were because of him and how I might be different if I were with someone else or with no one at all.

Some days I couldn’t believe my luck. I didn’t understand how I had managed to find a guy like him and to have him love me in return. Other days I questioned whether we were developing into the people we were meant to be or not.

I know we both wondered if the distance – the hardships of doing it for so long – would be too much. I was concerned that one day we’d look at ourselves and who we’d become and we’d be resentful.

We’ve gone on though, completely committed to each other, and we said vows in front of family and friends, promising to be faithful and true to one another.

But after very nearly ten years together, I look at him, looking at me and I can’t help but wonder if he sees me, really sees me. And I look hard at him, searching, wondering, worrying. Has he settled for me? Have we settled along the way?

Usually when I am having one of those days, I pick a fight. I bring up the fact that he never read that book he told me he would. I had asked him to read it so we could talk about it. I want him to ask me about the book, to listen to my thoughts, to share his opinions.

Suddenly we are no longer talking about a book. I want him to get to know me again.

And then he says, Ok, what are you thinking about? What are your thoughts on this book? What do you think about this issue? How do you feel about this event/problem/ TV show?

And before I say anything, I remember that my answers are no different than a year ago, ten years ago. He knows me.

I feel it building up inside me and I want to blurt out, If we were strangers in a bar, would you approach me? Would you pick me out of a crowd?

Maybe he would say yes. Maybe he would say, What does it matter now?

I don’t know.

But I am certain I am not alone in this.

Six months ago, I spent an evening with a dear friend and after half a bottle of red wine, all this came tumbling out. And I saw it. I saw the relief spread across her face. I watched her shoulders relax. Me too, she said. I know exactly what you mean.

We took comfort in each other’s unsettling, niggling feelings. We felt like we could say what we were experiencing without all the judgment, without the looks, without the trouble in paradise comments. We felt normal. We are normal.

Love is the easy part. The hardest is saying I choose you no matter what. I choose you even if you don’t choose me. I choose me with you, me shaped by you.

After ten years, after all the goodbyes, the hellos, the tears and the joy, after moving thousands of miles away, after buying a home together, after leaving family, changing careers, losing loved ones, making friends, after choosing each other over and over again – marriage is hard.

Even if there are no fights, no mean words, no children, no money trouble, no someone else – it’s still something to work at and work for.

You have to be there. For a marriage, for that sort of commitment, you have to be present and aware. You have to just stay in the room.

In all situations, I have a bad habit of thinking the grass is always greener. But the truth is, you’re just as likely to step in a big pile of dog shit whether the grass is green or not.

So I look hard at the grass. And the thing about grass is that it grows and it changes and there’s potential, you know? I try to remember that. I try not to look too hard. I just try to keep looking.

Maybe if we had ended up with other people life wouldn’t have been any less full, any less rich.

But for me, it would have been a life without him. And that…that would just be less.

I know him. He knows me. Sometimes it’s tempting to think about what it could be like meeting someone different, learning new things about them, having them ask your likes and dislikes. Most of the time it seems natural to think about those things. Once in awhile, I worry that it’s not. I worry that it means something more. I worry that he is thinking the same thing. I worry.

But then my hand finds his next to me on the sofa, across the table, under the covers.

He squeezes back.

And my heart settles and I know that’s the very opposite of settling.

So I married a nerd

Last night I was watching television and Scott was on the computer in the other room. He went in the kitchen to get a drink and as he passed by, I asked him if he wanted to watch a movie with me. He thought about it for a second and then politely said no.

Caitlin: What are you reading about in there?
Scott: A 737 landed in Toronto with its cargo door open.
Caitlin: Oh, I see, is that what you want to go back to reading?
Scott: Well, not particularly but the Internet is a vast resource of information. There is a lot out there to learn.

At least he’s a cute nerd.

It’s almost Christmas!

You’re thinking wait, I thought you bought a tree weeks ago?

Yes, folks, we put all our decorations up, bought a real tree and everything. And then today we took it all down and threw out our tree. Our neighbors think we’re crazy.

It’s almost Christmas and that means we’re off to the US for the holidays. We didn’t want to chance our tree falling over while we were gone. Actually we just didn’t want to return to our decorated house after our trip and be reminded of Christmas and how it’s all over.

This week I have been baking, packing and un-decorating. I’ve been busy. I made a lot. And if I knew any of my neighbors, I would make them Christmas baskets of baked goods. But I don’t and last year when I suggested giving Christmas cookies to neighbors, Scott looked at me as if I had just suggested putting letter bombs in their mail boxes.

So instead I will give you a virtual basket of Christmas goodies. Thank you for reading my blog this past year. I hope you read it next year too.

Molasses Cookies

Pumpkin Muffins

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Cookies

Chocolate Crinkles

Merry Christmas!

Officially Autumn

We’ve been getting complaints about us not blogging enough. I apologize. We lead busy lives, what can I say? We will try to write more. It’s not that we haven’t been thinking of you…it’s just that we have been doing other things…like joining Costco!

Yes, it’s true. Costco exists in the UK. And we have one about 20 minutes away. About two weeks ago, we made the trip to Costco, fought through the jammed parking lot, and finally got to the membership desk…only to be told that the UK Costco doesn’t just let anyone join! You must be affiliated with certain industries like education, banking, and law. Why on earth a lawyer should receive Costco membership over me, I have no idea.

I was heartbroken. At that moment, Costco was The Ivy or Nobu and we had just been told we weren’t on the guestlist.

Fast forward two weeks and Scott is determined to get us in. He discovers that T-Mobile does offer Costco membership as an employee benefit. So we trekked back to Costco, pushed our way back to the membership desk and passed over the T-Mobile documents. We were in!

With our new Costco cards in hand, we explored the aisles and aisles filled with…well, pretty much everything the US Costcos are filled with. And it was so wonderful! We didn’t buy much because we were in a hurry but we’re eagerly anticipating our next trip back there this weekend!

Could be America! Only without all the hatch-back cars…

Of course the one disappointing part of our Costco trip was finding jumbo pumpkins for half the price we paid for our small pumpkin from Tesco which we bought a few days earlier. I just couldn’t wait. I was feeling nostalgic and insisted we buy a pumpkin to carve. Scott had never carved a pumpkin before so he didn’t really see what all the fuss was about but when I said he could choose the face, he got excited and said, “Ok, we’re not doing anything wimpy.” I had lured him in.

Here are some photos from our carving session:

I had big plans to bake the pumpkin and make homemade pumpkin puree. But to be honest, just digging out and separating the seeds was hard enough. But at that point, I had made such a big deal about roasting the seeds, I couldn’t back down. So 24 hours later, I had nicely salted (if a little chewy) seeds…which Scott moaned, with disgust, “Those stink! Don’t eat those near me. Sick!”

I hadn’t given up on the pumpkin puree, but instead made it my mission to locate and secure Libby’s Pumpkin Pie filling. I was told this would be difficult since the American women I speak to on The Nest had all resorted to making their own puree after several unsuccessful attempts to find the canned version. They swore homemade puree was better anyway…but I was determined to find Libby’s.

I drew a map of where I had last seen the cans of pumpkin (about four months ago) in the grocery store near my old job. For some reason the cans of pumpkin pie filling were tucked away in the soup aisle (crazy Brits!). No wonder the Americans can’t find it. I sent the map and specific directions to my friend who works in the area. On Sunday night we met up at a dinner party and made the exchange. £4 for two cans of Libby’s Pumpkin Pie Filling.

Of course I don’t have any idea what I will do with the pie filling. I’m not a big fan of pumpkin pie. But the point is… I found Libby’s Pumpkin Pie Filling!