So when are you having kids?

I slept terribly on Sunday night. I woke up several times even though I was so very tired after staying out too late and drinking entirely too many cocktails for Scott’s 30th.

I kept having these strange dreams involving a baby crying. The first time I woke up, I sensed that Scott was awake too and we murmured to each other about the baby crying.

But it wasn’t a baby crying at all. It wasn’t a little girl screaming either (thank God, that was terrifying there for a minute). The screeching and whining continued.

We realized there were a couple of foxes just outside our window.

The noise went on for hours. I drifted in and out of sleep and when I did sleep, a baby always showed up in my dreams. It was downright creepy.

Turns out Scott was having similar dreams and we both went to work feeling slightly weirded out. (Why do so many scary movies involve a creepy little girl?)

Anyway, this whole baby-crying-thing got me thinking.

I don’t know if I’ve ever been asked if we’re having kids. People always ask “When are you having kids?” And when I shrug and say “in a few years”, they smile and move on to the next subject.

Recently, when asked, I have said, “I’m not sure if we will.”

And they always look so surprised and sad and full of follow-up questions. I’d like to think it’s because they think we’d be great parents but I think it’s more of a surprise because it’s taboo to say you don’t want children. Everyone wants to be a mother. It’s natural. It’s what we’re here for.

I’m not saying I don’t want to have children. I am just saying I don’t know if we will. This was probably not the best reply to my mother after she asked if Scott wanted a baby for his 30th birthday.

While Scott and I are not always on the same page, we’re usually in the same chapter. I knew Scott didn’t want a baby for his birthday. I knew I wouldn’t be giving him a baby for his birthday if he had wanted one.  See, same book at least.

My mom followed her birthday suggestion with the “when are you having kids?” question. My answer is I don’t know. There are no plans except the “not any time soon” plan.

But that never seems like enough for people because I am constantly met with these:

Don’t you want kids?

I always thought I did. I always pictured them in my future. But the older I get, the more I think I don’t feel that strongly about having them. I might feel differently in a couple of years.

Do you like kids?

Yes, I love them. I have been a camp counselor, a preschool assistant, an art teacher, a baby sitter, a summer nanny. I like being around children. At the risk of sounding incredibly cheesy, I think it’s very magical watching a child play, talk, think, and experience life.

What about that ol’ biological clock? Tick tock.

I’m 26. I’m fine, thanks.

Have you ever felt those maternal feelings starting up?

I can remember one summer when I was babysitting a little boy named Dylan. When Dylan would cry and I would go into his room, I’d see him standing, holding onto the sides of the crib. When Dylan saw me, he’d reach his arms out for me.

Dylan clearly just wanted to get out of bed, but for a few seconds, he wanted me and wanted to be held by me.

I know that if his mom had been there, he would have wanted her more. I think that must be an amazing feeling.

Doesn’t your heart nearly explode when you see children?

That depends. When I see them running wild in our parking garage or when I read “We Need to Talk About Kevin” or when they’re laying in the middle of the aisle at Tesco throwing a tantrum? No.

There are more moments when my heart does almost seize up and explode at the sight of something cute and child-related.  But I never think, “Aww, I wish it were me” or “I want one!”

But…you’re married.

I know it’s easy for people to assume first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage. And certainly for us, we’ve got the first two under our belt but what if having a baby is not the next step?

I don’t want to have a child because it feels like the next thing to do. I don’t want to have a child right now because we’re married. I don’t want to have a child because I think it will help my marriage. These are all reasons other people have told me and while the child has brought so much joy to their lives, I can’t help but think…ugh.

How about getting a dog first?

I know people mean this well but a dog is not a good indicator of how I’d do as a parent. I desperately want a dog but I’m not getting a dog. Why? Let’s just get it all out on the table.

I want to go out for drinks after work. I want to sleep over at my friend’s house if I’m out too late. I want to go away and not worry about where the dog will go. I want, I want, I want. I’m allowed to be like this.

And that’s it – I’m too selfish to be able to give selflessly to something else right now.

Are you scared?

Um, yes! Don’t you know having a baby changes everything? If I have a kid, I want to know it was for the right reasons and because we both wanted the child, not because we felt we should.

I know you shouldn’t take life advice from celebrities but I read an interview with Seal about his marriage to Heidi Klum and while I have never really thought of them as the ultimate marriage model, something he said really struck a chord with me.

He said their children don’t come first. He said his wife is his top priority.

Who knows if they will last but personally, I wonder if there is a greater gift to your child than to give them parents who love each other.

I also know that having a baby changes your relationship, so…yeah, I’m scared. I don’t know too many people who got the balance right.

But if you had a kid, you would have lots to blog about.

What, you don’t like talking about biscuits and Twilight and finding cheeseburgers in your handbag? I’m sorry, Internet. This blog is going to be about me – all me, all the time- for a lot longer.

In the meantime, we’ve got foxes and that is a pretty good simulation of what a baby would be like right now. Nightmares and all.