Well, I guess this is growing up

When I think of what men talk about with their friends, I know the answer already. 90% of the conversation must be movie lines. A good proportion of those lines for Scott and his friends is from American Pie. So in honor of the release of American Reunion, we celebrated with friends who enjoy the movie just as much as Scott does we do.

Just like the first one, American Reunion was funny and raunchy and a bit gross.

But unlike the first one, it was kind of sad.

It’s been 13 years?! Everyone is so old. Do we look that old? We’re having pie-themed dinner parties with other couples now! What happened?

This is for all those “pumpkin puree in London” searches

Pumpkin Girl here, your one and only source into the mysterious whereabouts of London’s pumpkin puree.

Spotted: Libby’s, that elusive American beauty, is back on supermarket shelves on these shores. Sources tell me she can be found at Whole Foods, Waitrose, Fortnum & Mason, Selfridges, Panzer’s, and various specialty online retailers.

But how long will she stay?

Better get moving. Whoever said that money doesn’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.

And who am I? That’s one secret I’ll never tell. You know you love me. Xoxo, Pumpkin Girl

Here, have a playlist

Hmm. Where were we?

Today was the first day I’ve been home straight after work in the past three weeks. Things have been that busy!  Our Sky+ box probably thinks I’ve died since the tv shows just keep stacking up.

Scott was away on a long boys’ weekend in Spain. Besides going out on Saturday night, I tried to do all the things he hates: shopping for clothes, eating peanut putter, and plowing through the Keeping Up with the Kardashians episodes.

I was able to do the first two, but I got hung up on the last one. Instead I watched Ramona & Beezus. Ramona Quimby was a favorite character from my childhood and this movie has quite a few reputable actors in it. It also has Selena Gomez.

So of course I then had to watch the True Hollywood Story-esque Selena Gomez E! special
and google her for a good hour or so.

And then it was Monday morning and I was back to work. Damn you Selena and your impossibly shiny hair.

Over the weekend, I did manage to perfect the world’s greatest workout playlist ever. And I’ve made a great start on a dinner party playlist. See, VERY BUSY.

Have a look. Let me know what you think. Accept this as a very lame attempt to post something.

I should add that this playlist was created for more than just my ears so you won’t find Miley Cyrus or *NSYNC on this one.

Also, please don’t be under any illusions that my workout lasts as long as this playlist.

(Sky+, I will see you later. I’ll wear those sweatpants you love so much.)

The-most-awesomest-workout-playlist-ever-apart-from-the-one-I-made-with-even-cheesier-songs

k-os  “Sunday Morning”
Phoenix “1901″
Michael Jackson “Beat It”
Flo Rida “Low”
Foo Fighters “Everlong”
Tinie Tempah “Pass Out”
Foster the People “Helena Beat”
Fenech-soler  “Lies”
Rage Against the Machine “Sleep Now in the Fire”
Lady Gaga “Marry the Night”
Metric “Gold Guns Girls”
Jet “Are You Gonna Be My Girl”
Klaxons “Golden Skans”
Katy Perry feat. Kanye West “E.T.”
OutKast “I Like the Way You Move”
Explosions in the Sky “Trembling Hands”
Kanye West “All of the Lights”
Ke$ha “Take It Off”
The Hives “Hate to Say I Told You So”
Peter Bjorn and John “Second Chance”
Muse “Plug In Baby”
The Offspring “You’re Gonna Go Far Kid”
T.I. feat. Rihanna “Live Your Life”
Green Day “Holiday”
Flo Rida feat. Ke$ha “Right Round”
Better than Ezra “Juicy”
Guns N’ Roses “Welcome to the Jungle”
David Guetta feat. Nicki Minaj “Where Them Girls At”
Dropkick Murphys “I’m Shipping Up to Boston”
Kid Cudi “Up Up & Away”
Kevin Rudolf, Lil Wayne “Let It Rock”
Klaxons “Atlantis to Interzone”
The Heavy “How You Like Me Now”
N.E.R.D., Nelly Furtado “Hot-n-Fun”
Jessie J “Do It Like a Dude”
Jason Derulo “Don’t Wanna Go Home”
Ice Cube “You Can Do It”
Tiesto feat. Tegan and Sara “Feel It In My Bones”
Arctic Monkeys “When the Sun Goes Down”
OutKast “B.O.B.”
N.E.R.D. “She Wants to Move”
David Guetta, feat. Taio Cruz, Ludacris “Little Bad Girl”
Florence + the Machine “Dog Days Are Over”
DJ Laz, Flo Rida, Casely “Move, Shake, Drop-remix”
Young the Giant “My Body”
Britney Spears “Til the World Ends”
Eminem “Lose Yourself”
Ke$ha “Blow”
David Guetta feat. Rihanna “Who’s That Chick?”
Chris Brown “Yeah 3x”
Swedish House Mafia “Save the World”
Jay Sean, Lil Wayne “Hit the Lights”
Rihanna “Disturbia”
Kings of Leon “Radioactive”
Pitbull feat. Ne-Yo “Give Me Everything”
Sleigh Bells “Kids”
Example “Kickstarts”
Cults “Go Outside”

What other lifesize cutouts can I buy?

I think it’s only a matter of time before Scott throws away the Kate & William lifesize cutout that is currently propped up behind our dining table. But it was fun while we had them. Really fun.

Endless amounts of fun. Endless, I tell you!

Justin Bieber was not here

While sitting in the cinema waiting for the new Carey Mulligan and Keira Knightley film, Never Let Me Go, to start, a woman and a young boy walked in and sat in front of us. The boy, around nine or ten years old, was visibly excited and spilled his kid-sized popcorn several times while squirming around in his seat.

I turned to Scott and whispered, “This movie isn’t going to be appropriate for that kid.”

I had read the book. I knew the ending.

With his arms crossed and looking very annoyed at the prospect of watching a Keira Knightley film, Scott said, “He is going to be bored out of his head just like the rest of us.”

A man joined them and for the next five minutes before the film started, I listened to their conversations and tried to work out who was who. The best I could do was assume the little boy, Alfie, was the brother of the woman and the woman had dragged her boyfriend along. Her phone rang and she told whoever was on the other line that, “we’ve taken Alfie to see the new Justin Bieber film.”

Hmm. Have you just lied? Is she the babysitter and has she taken the boy to watch what she wants to watch?

I saw Alfie dance a little in his chair and I knew then that this was going to be very amusing indeed.

I leaned over to Scott. “They think they are seeing the new Justin Bieber movie…you know…Never Say Never.”

Scott’s eye lit up and he smiled big. Suddenly there was something to look forward to. “This is going to be good.”

After the trailers, the film certificate for Never Let Me Go came up on the screen. No movement or reaction from the three unsuspecting viewers.  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Scott chuckling to himself.

The film began with onscreen captions explaining that a medical breakthrough in 1952 has allowed the human lifespan to extend past 100 years. Carey Mulligan speaks about life and growing up in Halisham, a boarding school somewhere in England.

1. Did they think the Justin Bieber film would have anything to do with a medical breakthrough in 1952?

2. Did they suspect anything was strange about Carey Mulligan waffling on about life and death and love at a boarding school in the middle of nowhere?

Still no movement.

The next scene showed a group of English children singing hymns in a school assembly at the boarding school. The children were dressed in plain school uniforms and the year was 1960-something.

3. Did they think Justin Bieber was going to pop onto the stage at the school assembly?

Scott and I waited for some reaction. Confused, Alfie looked over at the two adults with him, but he said nothing. He ate his popcorn slowly and every few minutes, looked at the other people in the cinema. I am sure he thought to himself, why is the cinema filled with old people?

4. Did the two adults not think it was bizarre that there was not one other person under the age of 18 in the cinema?

And then his babysitter/sister leaned over to her boyfriend and I heard her say somethig about Justin Bieber. The boyfriend shrugged and shoveled more popcorn into his mouth. She looked over at Alfie, who looked more confused than ever, and then back at her boyfriend. He got out of his seat and walked out of the doors to check that they were, in fact, in the right cinema.

A few minutes later and still no sign of Justin Bieber, the boyfriend returned. He whispered something to the woman and she quickly gathered the drinks and popcorn. Alfie remained glued to the screen, searching for a glimpse of Bieber in the crowd of sullen and pale English kids, as they pulled him out of the cinema.

Poor Alfie.

5. Why on earth did it take them so long to realize they were not watching the new Justin Bieber film?

I am worried for Alfie’s safety with those two morons. As Scott said after they left, they must be collectively galactically stupid.

Poor Alfie.

(I kind of wish I had seen the new Justin Bieber film too.)

The Super Bowl via facebook

Considering the majority of facebook friends posting between the hours of 11 pm – 6 am GMT are American, this morning’s facebook newsfeed went something like this:

Green Bay Packers are champions of the world. Stand proud Packer Nation! Booyah Steelers!

A bunch of disappointed Steelers fans.

Something called the Puppy Bowl.

Nail-biting game somewhere between a load of just so-so commercials. Too many comments about the E*TRADE baby.

A horrendous performance from the Black Eyed Peas; Fergie’s voice made a facebook friend’s baby cry. Not one facebook friend admits to liking the halftime show.

Usher impresses some with dance moves. Slash is mentioned a few times but mostly just “Slash!” …not sure if that is a good thing or not.

A few mobile uploads from various Superbowl parties and a few new albums created of pets, vacations and a baby shower. It is clear not every American friend is watching the game.

Two posts from Americans in London watching the game. They are not Steelers fans. And apparently the British commentary during the game isn’t as good. They are all up very late on a school night.

Lots of optimistic “Let’s go Steelers!” posts.

Lots of Shittsburgh references.

Someone commented on how great the national anthem was. Three people liked the status update and one person commented that Christina Aguilera screwed up a line.

British friend rants about “world championship” before going to bed. Someone comments, “USA USA USA! We are the world.” (Someone gets defriended.)

More “Here we go, Steelers, here we go” and “Go, Pack, go!” status updates.

Discover this guy from my high school plays for the Steelers.

Something about Keith Urban, Maroon 5 and the red carpet style pre-game show.

More mobile uploads of empty beer cans (“Look how much we’ve drank and the game hasn’t even begun!) and party food. (Mmm…queso!)

Facebook invite to my university’s student center to watch the game. Free pizza, sliders, wings,  and ice cream sundaes. Free!

—

Man, am I glad I slept through all that. (But must look into this Puppy Bowl business.)

Ain’t it a beautiful mind

I’m sitting here trying to compose a half-decent post but my sister has just sent me a link to a story about 200 cows mysteriously dying in Wisconsin. As if I didn’t need something else to worry about. I was perfectly content, sitting on my bed, listening to songs that play on Grey’s Anatomy and One Tree Hill and other “completely unrealistic, but oh god, it feels real!” shows. I was blissfully unaware, making lists, looking up recipes, judging dresses from the Golden Globes, contemplating what my eyes would look like if they were brown. Basically I was doing everything but blogging. Which is actually a damn good thing because I clearly have nothing to say and I am writing the longest paragraph ever because if I move to a new paragraph, I feel like I need something new to write about and all I can think is COWS DYING, BIRDS FALLING FROM THE SKY, HAYDEN PANETTIERE’S EXPOSED NIPPLE COVERS, HOLY SEQUINS ANNE HATHAWAY, HAS ANYONE CHECKED ON AUSTRALIA LATELY, RUN-ON SENTENCES.

A small part of me died today

With the news of Kate Middleton and Prince William’s engagement plastered all over the papers, social networks, television, etc, I can say with almost 100% certainty* that my dream of marrying Wills is over. I have already received several emails from friends and family who remember my teenage crush and wanted to pass on their condolences.

I am comforted by a few things.

1. He chose a brunette.

2. He clearly likes saying the name, “Kate”. (Cait/Kate…same thing.)

3. Kate’s from a fairly normal background (before her parents became millionaires from their party business. I like parties too.)

4. Without Prince William, I would have never met Scott.

Number four really is the most important (followed closely by his love for brunettes obviously) and so tonight, I’m going to suggest opening up a bottle of champagne in honor of Kate and William.

I was going to write something like, “without Wills, I would be single and living in my parents’ basement”, but the truth is, I don’t think that. I probably would have had a great life but it wouldn’t have been this great life. And that is something worth celebrating.

Cheers to Wills & Kate. May you have a long & happy life together…and please get married on a weekday so we can have an extra day off.

 

*You never can be too sure about these things.

Taylor Swift is my guilty pleasure

I was taking photos of an eighth grade art class today and as the students molded clay pots, Taylor Swift’s new song came on the radio. The girls giggled and squealed and pleaded with the teacher to turn the volume up.

As I was snapping pics, I heard a girl say, “Her songs are, like, about my life. Seriously. They just speak to me.” And the other girls at the table nodded in agreement. (The only boy at the table was busy walloping the mountain of clay with what looked like a ginormous rolling pin.)

I stifled a laugh behind the camera. If only life were a Taylor Swift song!

But secretly I was thinking, ok, now that you mention it, life is a liiiiittle bit like a Taylor Swift song.

That Taylor…she really hit the nail on the head with that “she’s cheer captain and I’m on the bleachers” song. And what about when she said she wasn’t going to wait for your white horse to come around. This ain’t Hollywood, this is a small town. T-Swizzle was a dreamer before you went and let her down. She knows she’s not a princess, this ain’t a fairy tale. You absolute shithead. It’s too late now.

And do I need to remind you of Taylor’s advice, “In your life you’ll do things greater than dating the boy on the football team.” Just let that marinade for a minute. She’s a genius. Football players weren’t even that hot in my day, but I totally get it. You are so wise, Swifty. Life is much better than that.

“Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now. Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday but I realized some bigger dreams of mine. And Abigail gave everything she had to a boy who changed his mind. And we both cried.”

Poor Abi. I’m doing the ugly cry over here for you.

However, if I were Abigail, I’d be pissed at Taylor. A true BFF would not imply you are a floozy in her songs. The songs people ALL OVER THE WORLD listen to and sing along to and work out to and commute to work to. *

(But if you have to sing about me giving “everything” to some boy, please let me have sloppy seconds with Taylor Lautner. It’s only fair.)

* Who, me? Nope, I’m definitely not making a Taylor Swift playlist on Spotify right now. You’ve got the wrong girl. Look away, nothing to see here.

And then there’s Chuck Bass

Not “and then there’s Chuck Bass” in the literal sense. No. Sadly I don’t know where Chuck Bass is but it doesn’t stop me from trying to find out.

As I’ve mentioned before, Chuck Bass is originally from the town where I live. (I’m making the stalkers work for their information about me.) So is Lewis Hamilton. I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned that too. Lewis Hamilton is great and all but he’s no Chuck Bass. Of course Chuck Bass is a character – not a real person – so no one is really him but that doesn’t stop me from trying to find him.

On the late trains home, I do usually end up speaking to people. But can I just say that I never speak to them first! Seriously. Cross my heart. People speak to me. I’m sure the conversations are usually fueled by alcohol but I don’t mind.

The conversations are always the same. Where are you from? Why do you live in England? Why would you choose to live in England when you could live in California/New York/Florida/any state they deem worthy. Do you like Obama? What did you think of Bush? Why don’t more Americans have passports?

Some of these questions are easier than others when you’ve had a few drinks.

Normally I change the subject by asking them about Chuck Bass.

Nine times out of ten, they ask, “Who is Chuck Bass?” I explain that he’s a character on Gossip Girl. Occasionally someone will say, “Oh yeah, I don’t watch the show but I know who you’re talking about.”

Most of the time they have no idea who I am talking about and they try to bring the conversation back to Obama.

But every once in awhile, I’ll meet someone who knows of Ed Westwick, the actor who plays Chuck Bass. One guy even said he went to school with him and saw him at a Christmas party last time he was visiting his friends and family in the UK. He even tried to show me photos on facebook but shucks, mobile service was in and out.

It thoroughly entertained me for the duration of the trip home. Sometimes I’ll see him on the platform in the mornings, he looks at me, I look at him and I wonder if he thinks of Chuck Bass. I also wonder if he’s completely full of shit.

Last night I was sitting on a packed train with my headphones in when a man sat down across from me and asked if the train was going to Cambridge. I took off my headphones to reply. He asked me where I was from.

And then he introduced me to the guy sitting behind him. His nephew.* An American.

We talked about the Cheesecake Factory and North Carolina bbq and the difference between British soap operas and American soap operas.

We chatted all the way to my stop. I never once mentioned Chuck Bass. We didn’t talk about Obama or Bush or Florida either.

When we were leaving the train, the nephew said, “I heard Lewis Hamilton is from around here.”

And before I could tell him about Chuck Bass, the nephew said, “That kid from Gossip Girl is from here too, isn’t he? I once waited on him at a restaurant in New York City.”

I wanted to say, why the heck didn’t you say that earlier? We could have talked about this rather than bbq pulled pork but the moment had passed. We said goodbye and I proceeded to walk home, constantly looking over my shoulder in case the whole Chuck Bass story was just a ruse to become friendly with me so this uncle/nephew team could attack me when I was least expecting it, when my mind was all pocket squares, men’s silk pajamas, and scotch.

*I just realized this story would be so much better if his nephew turned out to be Chuck Bass. God, I’m disappointed in this story now. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling.