Settled

By the end of spring, I will have watched three close friends move back to the US in just seven months. That’s too many too soon.

I had to say goodbye to one of them this weekend. The one that I lived with all those years ago when we were both study abroad students in London. The one who stood by me on my wedding day, the one who I felt really knew Scott and me. The one who returned to London when I was lonely and unsettled. The one who helped me form a family of friends here for Thanksgivings and Easters and long weekends in between. The one who was just always here for me. When I think about it, she was the one who really helped me settle down, to love it here.

She dated an Englishman for a long time and I took comfort in thinking she’d end up like me. I wanted her to be like me. It bought us time together. Then when that relationship didn’t work out, I remained hopeful. She was still here.

And when she fell in love with an American, I grumbled a bit in the beginning, because I knew. I just knew. Even if she stayed a bit longer, it wouldn’t be long enough.

As Foster the People pumped out of the speakers and friends danced together in the dark living room, I sat there, finally acknowledging that no amount of drink would make it easier. It was late and I wanted to stay later, but as Scott reached over to touch my shoulder, I knew. I just knew. I didn’t make it out of the room in time. The tears started before I even got to her.

We hugged and cried and hugged again. I left quickly, only to make it down one level before the shoulder-shaking, skin-blotching, nose-running crying started. I leaned against the door of Flat B and cried some more, thankful that the resident was upstairs at the party we’d just left.

I woke up on Sunday with a Champagne headache and swollen eyes. After a few moments of blinking against the sunlight streaming through the curtains, I remembered the night before and added a heavy heart to my list of ailments.

When will the number of friends over there outweigh the number here? When I first moved here, it certainly did but after awhile, I stopped counting because it all seemed to be balancing out. So it will go in waves, I’ll tell myself. How many more people am I going to miss? As many as I need to, I’ll tell myself. (But my quota for “people to miss” is well and truly filled so please stop leaving me.)

I don’t want to sound ungrateful or unappreciative of my friends over here. I am so very grateful. I appreciate you more than you know.

For the first time, I’m going to have to do this without her. I’ll remind myself that anything can happen and who knows where she’ll end up. I’ll be happy for her. I’ll see her again. We’ll keep in touch. Of course I will. Of course we will.

It’s the end of an era, for sure.

I am settled here.

Now it’s her turn.