How to be the perfect wife (circa 1930)

My grandmother always stayed up very late watching television and reading. Years ago I asked her how she became such a night owl.

She told me that she had just gotten used to it. “You see,” she started, “I used to have to tiptoe into bed at night so I wouldn’t wake your grandpa.”

I imagined my grandpa fast asleep, snoring and sputtering as my grandma slithered against the wall and darted across the bedroom floor, stopping every once in awhile to listen for the snores. I imagined the theme music from Pink Panther. I imagined that maybe he had a temper and would get angry if he was disturbed.

Then my grandma said, “He would be so frisky if I woke him up. It could be exhausting.”

My 12-year-old mind didn’t know what to do with that information and I was suddenly feeling waves of nausea and confusion. Grandparents do it?! You never want to hear the words “grandpa” and “frisky” in the same sentence. Not at 12 years old or 25 years old. Not ever.

Today I was reminded of this when I read this article about a Marital Ratings Scale created by Dr. George Crane, an American psychologist, in the 1930s.

The idea was that husbands could give their wives points based on a list of demerits and merits. If she used profanity or served too much food from tin cans, her score would go down but if she kept her husband’s clothes cleaned and pressed and was sympathetic towards “children and unfortunates”, her score went up. You get the idea.

But there was also a score sheet for husbands which was equally humourous. You can check out the full tests and see how you’d rate.

I failed. But then so did Scott.

Here are some examples:

Demerits for Wives

“Goes to bed with curlers on her hair or too much face cream.” (So, you’re saying going to bed with toothpaste on a pimple isn’t attractive either?)

“Tells risque or vulgar stories.”

“Slows up card game with chatter and gossip.”

“Walks around house in stocking feet.”

“Wears red nail polish.”

“Slow in coming to bed- delays till husband is almost asleep.” (We feel for you, grandma!)

Merits for Wives

“Gives husband shampoo or manicure.”

“Bravely carries on during financial depression.”

“Dresses for breakfast.” (I don’t think flannel pajamas count.)

“Lets husband sleep in late on Sunday and holidays.”

“Reacts with pleasure and delight to marital congress.” (And they wonder why women fake it.)

Demerits for Husbands

“Fails to bathe or change socks often enough.” (If the man isn’t bathing, it doesn’t matter what socks he’s wearing!)

“Objects to wife driving auto.”

“Eats onions, radishes, or garlic before dates or going to bed.” (Do they get extra demerits if they fart and hold down the covers?)

“Talks of efficiency of his stenographer or other women.”

“Writes on tablecloth with pencil.” (Whhaaa? They did weird things in the 1930s.)

“Complains of being too tired to go out with wife at night.” (But somehow is never too tired for marital congress…hmmm)

Merits for husbands

“Reads books, magazines, newspapers aloud to wife.”

“Usually comes home with a smile.”

“Tries to keep wife equipped with modern labor-saving devices.” (Surprise, I got you a Hoover for Christmas!)

“Well liked by men, courageous – not a sissy.”

“Interested in athletics.” (This seems to be in the wrong category. Surely this is a bad thing.)