The older I get, the more understanding I get about my parents. The more I realize they are just human. The closer I get to the age when I might want to have kids of my own, I realize how much you can screw up a kid and I have to look at my parents and think, wow, you did pretty well.
Today is Father’s Day and not surprisingly, it got me thinking of my dad.
My dad has been living in a house full of women. Every male pet we had died. What does that say about it?
My dad has been in the military most of his life and grew up in a military family. He liked order and rules and many, many times, my mom would say, “They’re just little girls. They’re not soldiers.”
My dad got stationed overseas for a large part of our teenage years and thanks to my mom, my sisters and I managed to emerge child-less and drug-free. While he was gone, I met Scott and my mom would tell my dad, “They are getting serious.” And my dad would say, “Don’t worry about it. It will wither away.”
And then it didn’t wither away and my dad returned to find that a lot had changed. But my dad had also changed. He was a lot more chilled out and I was old enough to realize that he’s just a person. He doesn’t know everything. He doesn’t always say the right things. But he is here and he is trying and that’s enough. I have learned a lot from him and I know there are many more things he’s taught me, but here are ten that come to mind:
1. Value of a dollar
We used to do chores on Saturday mornings. When we were finished, my dad would do inspections and if all was up to standard, we got a $1. I think Lisa actually got 50 cents. But then if we left a light on, we lost a quarter. I left a lot of lights on. Which led to me raiding Lisa’s Peter Rabbit bank full of quarters, but that’s a story for another time.
2. Tough love
When we were younger, Lisa and I used to get into terrible fights. We would hit and punch and kick and Lisa would pinch. She would pinch so hard I’d bleed. One night at the dinner table, I must have done something because Lisa reached over and pinched me until I started bleeding. I screamed and cried. I didn’t have the nails to pinch her back. My dad, tired and annoyed, gave me a fork.
He said, “Take this fork and stab her if you want.” And I blinked back the tears, looking at the fork and then at my little sister. Lisa looked so scared. I told my dad I didn’t want to and he made us hug and make up.
I know this may sound extreme because what if I really did grab the fork and stab my little sister? I can assure you my dad wouldn’t have let that happen. But he knew I wouldn’t do it. He knew we didn’t really want to hurt each other. And that was the lesson. (I’m pretty sure I stole some more quarters from her to make up for it anyway.)
3. I’m fine the way I am
In most of our home videos, you can find my dad stuggling to put dresses on our Barbies or being forced to be Prince Charming in our plays. Once he got past the stage of finding Barbie shoes everywhere, my sisters and I were involved in sports. And not just dance classes. I think, to my dad, I was the closest to a son that he was ever going to get. I was a bit of a tomboy and wanted to wear jeans under all my dresses and I played soccer and baseball.
My dad felt a lot more comfortable with sports. He would stand on the sidelines, yelling “attack” or “defense.” And for a few years, I didn’t mind it. Then I entered into the pre-teen years and I was suddenly so self-aware and sensitive. I just couldn’t take it and asked him to stand up on a hill where if he shouted, I could barely hear. He never stood on the sidelines again and I quit playing soccer.
I became less and less of a tomboy and just as I was entering high school I was told I had to get braces. I cried and cried. Everyone else had their braces at 11-12 years old. I remember thinking I would be the only person wearing braces in high school. I felt like no one understood me. I hated the orthodontist and hated his receptionist everytime she would tell me I was going to look so pretty once they were off. That’s what everyone said - just think what you’ll look like when you get them off! I wanted to scream, what about now? what about me now?
I didn’t want my dad to think I was being a baby or that I cared so much about the way I looked. I wanted him to still think I was tough. I was torn between wanting to be the son he never had and the daughter that I really was. My mom must have filled my dad (who was in Korea) in on what was going on because I got an email from him shortly after and in the email, he said, “You already have a knockout smile” and at the time, it meant the world to me.
4. How to drive a manual car (the first time)
My dad loves driving manual. He bought Amanda a red Volkswagon rabbit convertible for her first car. The problem was she didn’t know how to drive manual. It became clear very fast that he bought it for himself. When it was my turn to learn to drive, he tried teaching me manual. We drove onto an army base and found some quiet roads. Lisa sat in the backseat, listening to her discman. I was horrible at it. And he really did try to stay patient. I drove us up to a 4-way stop and stalled just as it was my turn. I was in the middle of the intersection. Suddenly cars were coming at every direction. I pleaded with my dad to tell me how to restart. He told me to sit tight. He got out of the car and started directing traffic. I was so embarrassed as cars passed by looking at me and wondering what was going on. Lisa had ducked down in the backseat.
He must have stood there directing traffic around me for 15 minutes. By the time he got back in the car, I was crying and vowed never to drive again.
When I was learning to drive manual ten years later and on the other side of the road in a different country, I thought of this incident and after I stalled in an intersection again, I laughed. And laughed. Mostly because of nerves. But I didn’t cry and I think my instructor is forever grateful that I didn’t. I told my instructor the story later. He laughed too.
5. Wear sensible shoes (when driving)
One summer I was driving in flip flops and I got the flip flop caught under the accelerator. I crashed into the back of the neighbor’s car. Not only did I have to pay for all the damages, I also was forbidden to wear flip flops/sandals/heels while driving. Every once in awhile, my dad would walk out to the car just as I was pulling away and ask for me to show him my shoes. I started wearing sneakers on just my right foot so that I never got in trouble. My car was always filled with right shoes.
6. On boys
When I was 12, I had a big crush on one of the neighborhood boys. At school, he had asked if I was going to see the movie “Tommy Boy” and I desperately wanted to go. I asked my mom but she said no. I sat outside in the frontyard, crying. When my dad got home from work, he asked me what was wrong. I explained about the boy and the movie and how everyone would be there except me and how I would just die if I couldn’t go. My dad gave me $5 and told me to go. My crush sat next to me in the theater and he held my hand for almost the whole movie.
A few years later, my dad picked my friend and me up from school and we asked if he would drive us past my friend’s crush’s house just to see if he was home. And right as we were in front of his house, my dad laid on the horn and laughed hysterically as my friend and I screamed and hid under the seats. I didn’t tell him about my crushes after that.
7. How to efficiently pack a bag
As mentioned before in this blog, we travelled and moved around a lot. We each had our own carry-ons and we learned early on that “you pack it, you carry it.” I can (that doesn’t mean I always do) pack like the best of them. I roll my clothes. I stuff things in my shoes. I layer. Thanks to my dad, I can pack a car like I’m playing a game of Tetris.
8. About sex
People who know my dad are choking on their morning coffee right about now. The truth is, my dad did not give me the birds and the bees talk. My mom did (as did the TV, books, friends, etc). But when I was 18 and going to visit Scott for the first time by myself, my dad came into my room and sat awkwardly on my bed. He stared at his hands for a long time and then slapped his hands against his knees as if he had just come up with a great idea. He said, “Look, don’t f@#k up your life. And I mean that in every sense of the word.” And then he patted my shoulder and walked out.
9. Dream big
Both my parents encouraged my sisters and me to be whatever we wanted to be. When it came to applying for university, my dad told us, “You get in and I’ll find a way to get you there.” While most of my friends were tied to applying to state schools, I had my heart set on getting away. Boston, New York, Chicago, London. All the while, my parents said, “Keep your grades up. If you get in, we’ll talk about it.” And I got in and my dad took out a loan and moved me in.
Then he said, “Keep your grades up. If you make Dean’s list, you won’t have to pay me back.” And so I did (except one quarter…damn economics!) and then I told my parents I wanted to study abroad. And my dad said, “You get accepted and we’ll get you there.” And I did and I spent four amazing months in London.
Two years later, Scott asked my dad for his permission to marry me. And my dad said, “If you treat her as well in marriage as you have in courtship, you’ve got my blessing.” And Scott does.
10. Don’t grow up so fast
There is one thing I think about every once and awhile and when I do, I feel this guilt and sadness that I have a hard time even putting into words. Years ago - I think I was 15 - my dad was preparing to move to Korea for two years. It was a difficult time for everyone in the family. I was at that age when I wouldn’t be caught dead with my dad at the mall.
And there we were, at the mall. I can’t remember what we were doing there but my dad parked the car and was trying to talk to me about stuff, and I was so focused on getting in and out before someone saw me with my dad. As we were walking towards the doors, my dad reached for my hand and he held my hand for a second before I pulled away. I remember thinking, ohmygod, what if someone thinks we’re together? Gross!
I was too old to hold hands with my dad but now I know I was also too young to realize that moments like this - moments with my dad - would become more and more rare. I now know I should have given his hand a squeeze before letting go.
